What You Owe Yourself Before You Write For Others
How to honor your emotional boundaries while still writing intimately
Being a writer is hard. Being a writer who tells stories that make society uncomfortable enough to change is even harder. Wanting to create art that heals humanity is an honorable calling. But if you do not take steps to protect your own heart while you pour it out onto the page, you will break it.
Stories That Can Change the World
When we say that storytellers have the power to change our world for the better, we are serious. But in order for your stories to carry the kind of impact that can change the world, you must be writing about what really matters.
We teach you how to wield this kind of healing power with your writing at One Brilliant Arc, and this month we are talking about how to do that by writing with intimacy: writing closer to the heart to unlock the true power of your words.
Why does writing with intimacy matter? Because words that come from the heart hit harder than empty words.
The stories that can change the world aren’t the generic stories that make us feel warm and cozy inside or the ones that anyone else can tell by mashing together a few popular tropes in the shape of the 3-Act Structure.
The stories that can change the world are the ones that ask us to face the darkest pain and tragedy of humanity, and reckon with that ugliness without flinching away. Writing these kinds of stories requires us to be real with ourselves on the page.
But I’m going to be honest with you: when I tried to write like that for the first five years of my career, I burned myself out. I’m still trying to find the bravery to put my raw heart on the page like that again.
Why Intimate Writing Is More Powerful
The reason we take the risk of writing so personally even when sharing those words hurts us is because it works. Our stories are more effective at making an impact when they come straight from our hearts. There are three specific factors that make writing with intimacy more powerful:
CONNECTION. Stories do their healing work in people’s hearts when they go past readers’ ears and get under their skin. Writing with intimacy transforms your work from surface noise to something readers can latch onto. Your words stop being merely words and start being words written especially for them. If you want your writing to make a difference, you must go deeper than the surface level to connect with readers in a way that makes your words unforgettable.
RESONANCE. Especially in the age of AI, we as a society are sorely missing humanity. We are surrounded by a deluge of content, but little of it gets under our skin to make a real difference because so few stories truly speak to our humanity. If you want your words to resonate with readers, you must write in a way that reminds them of themselves. The most effective way to do that is to write from your own humanity.
RELATABILITY. When you really write, people recognize themselves in your words, creating connection and resonance. If you write from your raw humanity, straight from the heart, your words will connect stronger with readers because they will relate to what you are saying. None of our stories are exactly the same, but all of us walk through similar human experiences: the joys, the heartbreaks, the struggles, the confusion, the love, the mess. When you write with intimacy, your readers feel seen by your words. Your story becomes their story, and now they care about your writing personally.
While intimate writing is more effective at touching people’s hearts and healing the ways that the cruelty of our world has broken them, creating this art costs something of you. If you want to be the kind of writer who can tell these world-changing stories without hurting yourself, you have to be prepared for the battle.
What You Need To Be Armed and Prepared
Writing for yourself is therapeutic. Writing for the world is a labor of love. Writing stories that help readers feel seen, heal hearts, change minds, and make the world a better place requires you to step fully into the deepest darkness and brutalities of the world with your eyes and heart wide open. You must feel every hurt entirely. Look at every ugly, broken thing in yourself square in the face and refuse the instinct to sugar coat the truth. Then, you must trust that in baring your soul to the world, people will not react cruelly or use any of your most vulnerable truths against you.
Writing stories that matter means pouring your real, raw heart out onto the page, then giving those words to the world and saying,
“This is me. Please be gentle.”
And our world is very rarely gentle.
Every writer knows how scary it feels to share their stories with anyone. The sheer terror you feel every time your cursor hovers over the “publish” button? The sick feeling in your gut you get when you think about real people reading your words? The irrepressible urge to disappear under a blanket fort, change your name, scrub yourself from the internet, and never show your face in public again? That’s your body’s natural response to the danger of baring your soul to the cold world.
Those responses are the surest sign you are writing something that matters.
However, we cannot ignore the real danger you open yourself up to when you trust the world with your raw soul. You cannot open your heart up to every possibility of intentions from humans who choose to be harsh and expect to still be whole by the end.
You cannot wade into this battle against the darkness without being properly armed.
I don’t want you to be as naive as I was and end up getting burned out when there is more good you can do for the world. So let me encourage you to make a battle strategy. How will you show your heart to the world while still respecting your own well-being? What kind of emotional boundaries must you have in order to make a genuine impact through your writing without letting yourself be burned?
Start building the kind of armor you should bring to the battle. I have discovered some of these things the hard way over my career the past 12 years. Here is not an exhaustive list of everything you should arm yourself with, but the points are a good place to start.
These are things that you owe yourself before you press the “publish” button on any piece that exposes your tender heart to the world:
SENSE OF IDENTITY. The world will try to bury your unique identity. The publishing industry in particular will convince you that unless you write the most marketable story, your writing is no good. If you don’t fit into the same box as the most average blueprint of monetary success, your story will be unacceptable. You need to be strong enough to stand on your unique identity. Because if you cannot be true to yourself, then you will be doing no one a genuine service and the work will not be worth the sacrifice. Refuse to be talked into shrinking yourself into their boxes even when they tell you that doing so is the only way forward. Refuse to sell your identity for any promise of material success. Do not become unrecognizable to yourself.
HEALING. Writing is an incredible tool for processing pain and trauma. Whether we like it or not, if we are writing honestly our deepest pain will eventually start showing up on the page. Some of us are healing through our writing. Then, we offer the world our stories so others can find the same healing we found. This is one of the greatest powers for good that comes from writing with intimacy. Sadly, not everyone in the world will respect your wounds. Some will use the information you share against you to attack you in your most vulnerable places. Don’t open yourself up to this risk until you are fully healed. Don’t give bullies a chance to attack your open wounds. Wait until they have scabbed over so you can keep the poison of their barbs out. This doesn’t mean the cruelty of others will hurt less, but it does mean they will do less damage.
LEGACY THAT IS MORE THAN WORDS. Putting your personal, one of a kind story down in ink is a powerful legacy to leave for yourself. But what legacy are you leaving for yourself in the real world? And is your life off the page as true to yourself as your life on the page? Sometimes, we can get altogether overwhelmed by the intensity of the emotions we carry through our writing. While the darkest griefs have a tendency to spark the most powerful words, we need real world joy to remind us of the more beautiful perspective. Take time to cultivate relationships that remind you of the best in humanity. Be present in real life moments so you can relish the joy in the little things. Make sure that you anchor yourself in a full life so you don’t get lost as you explore your own soul.
PHYSICAL HEALTH AND MENTAL WELL-BEING. Hustle culture convinces us that we must sacrifice our own well-being for the sake of the grind if we want to see success. But the truth is that your creativity is dependent on your mental and physical well-being. Have you eaten today? Gotten enough rest? Moved your body and gotten blood flow to your brain? Touched grass and breathed fresh air to renew your inspiration? Had a conversation in the real world that helps you ground your story in reality? Rarely, writing is the best support for your well-being, even before you meet your other basic needs. Sometimes the muse arrests you and you must strike while the iron is hot, thus other basic tasks must wait. But if you do not tend to these tasks that keep your mental and physical health in check, you will end up burning out faster. If you are feeling blocked while sitting at your writing desk, likely, you have not given your body the fuel it needs to function optimally.
PURPOSE. Why are you doing this? After all this mental and emotional drainage, the struggle of fighting against the whole world to be yourself and make a career in the arts when everyone said it was impossible, why do we keep doing this? If you want to survive a career dedicated to healing the world through stories, you must have a WHY to keep you going. Who are you telling these stories for? Why is it worth you being brave and sharing your real self with the world? Unless you have a purpose behind the work, you won’t be able to persevere through the most painful moments or the most discouraging days.
If these words or our mission at One Brilliant Arc resonates with you, please consider buying our team a coffee so we can continue helping creatives tell stories that can save the world!
Writing the kinds of stories that can change the world requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice. Telling the truth about what it means to be human in this world requires brave vulnerability. But making a difference in the world for the better through your art doesn’t mean you have to abandon yourself.
💬 Let us know what you think!
Did I forget anything? What things would you add to this list?
Do you relate to this fear of being vulnerable in your writing? What kind of response have you experienced from people when you have shared something personal?
➡️ Want free, safe, trauma-informed feedback from professional editors on a particularly vulnerable story you’re working on? OBA’s story team is here for you! Submit your work in progress for a FREE editing session with our panel of story coaches and let us help you take the next brave step to sharing your story with a world that needs it.
The stories that resonate the most are the ones where you see yourself in them, even if it's in a small way.
I resonated with this, & I can say that putting yourself out there for public consumption ain't easy and it's something that takes a lot of honesty, courage, & introspection.